I was hooked from the very first moment. Truly obsessed. Real Life. What a fantastic concept. I can't get enough.

And it is so cheap as well. Apart from the original cost of the decoder. It's only twenty pounds a month to get it beamed into my house. Twenty quid. Bargain. Unlimited entertainment for the price of a night down the pub.
"For the last time, will you switch that crap off."

Of course, it has caused division. Katie finds this sort of thing creepy. If she had her way it'd be banned. She says it's invasive. I tell her that I could live with cameras twenty-four hours a day if I got paid as much as they do. But, she won't be convinced. She'd rather watch Eastenders. Prefers the pretence.

On screen, Kevin is sprawled along the length of the sofa, which is generally his favoured position of relaxation. He yawns and scratches his ear. He is watching the TV with the lights off, and is illuminated only by the flicker of the screen.

This is what I like best, although I've learnt not to mention it to people because they tend to look at me like I'm some kind of pervert. Others tend to tune in on the off-chance of catching a row between Kevin and Justine (of which there are plenty), or even the every day dialogue between them. The real sickos tune in when they go to bed at night.

I'm not interested in any of that. It's the faces that do it for me. Faces pointing in the direction of the box. Completely unguarded. Like, if there's a comedy show on the TV and they're laughing, their faces are so happy and free. And most importantly genuine. Authenticity is vital. I laugh with them. Or a weepy. Weepies are excellent, because Kevin always cries. He sneaks these little glances at Justine to make sure she hasn't noticed, and she always pretends not to. And boredom. Boredom's the real killer. Watching them switch off while they're switched on. Cutting toe nails, reading papers, picking noses or falling asleep. The viewing habits of a nation cruelly exposed. It's brilliant.

"I'm going round Emma's," says Katie. "Again."
"Right. Okay. See you in a bit."

The door slams. On the screen Justine enters the room. She sees Kevin on the sofa and sighs.
"You bastard. I bet you haven't moved since I went out."
He hasn't. She moves over and sits next to him and they are stationary together.

No wonder it tops the viewing figures. Real Life. You can't beat it.

© Copyright M Hilditch 1997